Jun. 3, 2017

To God Be The Glory

All I can say is a lot has happened in a year.

My lvoing husband was caught giving money to his ex-wife in secret along with a lot of communication. Apparently he didn't deal with that baggage and he allowed her to come in and destroy what was left of our marriage.

 

He has been investigated at his job for asking his EMPLOYEES for names and numbers of single girls in the area. Same reason he lost his last job. When will he learn? He has a new charge against him for creating a hostile work enviornment. I agree with it somewhat, but base officials had something to do with that. If I am subpoened, there is not much I can do now is it? Nope, only to tell the truth.

 

He asked for a divorce and sent me home from Japan back to the states. He has admitted  he would, back then, to get back with his ex but his daughters are not having it. I guess the abuse he suffered at her hands, literally, has really messed him up and he can't think straight. He is also having other mental issues.

 

That being said, I am striving to deepen my relationship with God and have grown so much since my last post last year. It's hard to believe it has been a year. God has been so good to me and blessed me in spite of my issues. I will be the first one to say I didn't always handle my responses right every time I found he betrayed me again and again and again. I didn't handle it right when I caught him in so many lies. I didn't handle the fact that he threw me away like a piece of trash and yet I'm left to pick up the pieces.

 

Before I left Japan, I told him that many things would come to happen: his mental state would continue to deteriorate, his error in his hierachy would be corrected, but it would be a painful process, his would begin to have serious issues on the job, someone in his family would become ill, and he would be a lost person until he did right by me and most importantly, with God. I continue to pray God will soften his heart and turn him around to the path he should be as a Christian and as a husband. I can't control him. This is not my fight. This is not my battle. I am on a detour with God getting my stuff straight for myself. Although I hurt and I am in pain, I continue my life and live it as much as I can the way God intends. Not my will, but His. Not my timing, but His timing. I will be the first to admit this has not been an easy journey as we all know the path to growth is painful at times. I ask God to not let me miss any lessons as I do not want to repeat it period!

 

Thank you Lord for being my sustainer, my provider, and my best friend. Thank you for holding me in your loving arms when the pain and burdens got too bad for me to bear. Thank you for your presence at the times that I am lonely, yet I know this too will pass. I hear your voice when you tell me to hold on, to keep praying for my husband (to date, as far as I know, he has not filed for the divorce) and to lead him back to the path of righteousness. I know he has free will and it is so very frustarating when you want more for someone else than they want for themselves.

 

He was just here in the same city earlier this week and didn't have the courtesy to let me know. He is not obligated to I suppose. I just cringe knowing he is piling more on his plate for God and I hurt and ache for him. Silly me, right?  I know he has told me last month that he WAS going to file for the divorce and God was just going to have to stop him as this is what HUBBY wanted. I literally took a step back as I could not believe what I was hearing. Then he said, even though God was prompting him to stay in this marriage, that he was sure God didn't want to direct every one of his steps and God knew his heart.  I was speechless. A first for me. All I could think about is how it appeared he was mocking or challenging God. He is really lost my friends. I have been doing research, and along with depression, it seems like he is Bipolar I with narcisstic primary, personality disorder secondary. This man is so messed up.

 

Well a few days before he asked for a divorce, my old boss from my previous job reached out to me and asked if I ever wanted to come back, let her know and I could reapply for the position. God knew and had been preparing me for months in so many ways that I can't count them all. I did eventually get my job back, but I lost 18 years of tenure. I'm back at square one. No tenure, but still the same pay. I don't have a house any more, but living in an apartment...so 20 years ago...I gave both my job up to move to Japan to support him and my house when I married him.

 

I'm literally starting off with nothing, starting over again. It is a way of wiping the slate clean and beginning fresh with God at the helm. Thank you Lord.

 

Although I know both he and/or his ex visits this page, it doesn't matter to me. The truth shall prevail. I always say as long as you and God know the truth, then it doesn't matter what others think. I know that with dementia and Alzheimers, time is not on his side. Schizophrenia is her cup of tea in life. I say they can have each other.

 

I refuse to file for the divorce as I'm honoring my vow to God. However, once he files, I will not fight it other than a few minor adjustments.

 

I can admit I feel lost and not sure what to pray for. I know God keeps telling me he will blow my mind. I absoutely believe it. At times, it gets difficult, but I am not giving up.

 

Psalm 110 - 1

The story of Moses

The story of Jehosophat  and the dooming large armies coming to attack him

Psalm 23

Forgiveness

Proverbs 31

 

All these have been a safe haven for me as I continue my growth. I lost a few friends because my loving husband told a twisted truth, but didn't tell all the truth. The same with the base community in Japan as well as his family. All I can say is karma is...well, we all know what it is. I never want God to reprimand me for my shortcomings and am quick to repent. 

 

To all the ladies he tried to get with in the last four years, God bless you. I forgive you. I also feel sorry for you as he used you just like he used me. 

 

Is he evil? I think so. I suspect he has a demon or two somewhere in him. He is not the same person and quite a few people know the same thing. He is conniving, a pathological liar, deceitful, selfish, mid-life crisis to boot, and a very lost soul. I pray God continues to work on his heart. He is saved, but his life here on Earth will not be very easy. I don't want God to punish him. I really don't. I ask forgiveness each time I ask God to protect my husband from himself and to no longer cause any additional hurt to anyone else.

 

Pray for me my friends.

 

I'm ready to start my essential oils business! www.mydoterra.com/TahneeSteele if your're interested.